Have a burning question? Want to tell me I suck? Send your thoughts to: cutaia@cutaia.net
(the disclaimer)

e-mails

12.31.4

Hey man,

I thought your movies were indeed great. I was just curious.. how did u get your movies up here, I tried to use some free hosters but they sucked... Do you host your videos or who host them? Good music too.

Casey Provost

Casey,

First off, congratulations on sending the last e-mail of the year.

As for your question about how I got my movies on the internet: I ditched the free hosts and opened up my wallet, you fucking cheapskate!

No, but seriously...If you can afford it, you ought to check out Canaca.com. They're based out of Canada, but they still do a great job. If you're poor, however, I'd recommend checking out Sitesled.com. They offer 100 megs of space and 30 gigs of monthly transfer, with no ads or pop-ups. That's actually where this site got its start.

As long as you're saving your movies in a low resolution format, 100 megs should be plenty of space. They have been experiencing a few technical difficulties recently, but if you can tough it out through that, it'll be worth it.

As for your kind words...thank you. Although you must not have watched The Clock or I'm sure you'd feel differently.

(cutaia)

12.30.4

(cutaia),

i was recently looking over your past e-mails and, other than realizing how much of a dick you are, came across toni's question regarding parkways and such, and it got me thinking.....answer this one.

is Hell exothermic(gives off heat) or endothermic(absorbs heat)?

peace--dawg

Peace--dawg,

Well, I can tell you for a fact, that it is neither of those things. Actually, it's quite cold. It snows a lot, and ice skating is really big there. They've even been known to get the occasional blizzard.

So...to answer your question:

No...Canada is not endothermic or exothermic. It just sucks.

(cutaia)

12.24.4

Dear Cutaia,

I just wanted to let you know that the picture you posted below (of the overweight guy shitting his pants), is priceless... You're a comical genius.

TJ

Well, I guess it wasn't just me...

12.13.4

Dear Brian and not overly and overtly pretentious (cutaia)

Having now witnessed all that your site has to offer I must say that your humor is trite and self-serving. I often feel like you leave your audience in anticipation for funniness, only to let them down again and again. (For proof to said disappointments please refer to lack of Snunnglesworth movie below)

Perhaps a foray into knitting or women's soccer would be more up your alley? Maybe filing stuff away for $12/hour is something you should look into. Either way, this will be the first of 27 scheduled hate mails to follow over the the course of the next several months. I would begin to get used to my moniker if I were you.

Yours truthfully,

Zipline P---dawg

Dear Zipline P---dawg (and not the "kinda-sounds-like-a-health-food" Brett Cakerice),

If you weren't so goddamned lovable, I'd drive out there right now with a set of gloves, and we could "throw down."

Anyways...

Self-serving? Well, pretty much. After all, I never really expected anyone to go to this little site of mine. So, generally, when working on it, I just do whatever's going to make me laugh. For example...putting up this picture of you looking like an ass:

Guy shitting his pants?

See? I don't know if my "audience" thinks that was funny, but I sure as hell did!

(cutaia)

12.7.4

Dear (cutaia)

I just listened to your recent phone discussion with the people at Burger King, and was remarkably amused. I say remakably, considering the topic was tacos, and as a vegetarian I must admit that I have not experienced said tacos. However, judging from the photos and Burger King's history of substandard quality, I can safely assume that they are not fit for human consumption.

I also could not help but notice the fact that the Burger King representative, stated that employees of "Mexican heritage" seemed to "enjoy them". My feeling is that these "Mexican" employees were apprehensive about their continued employment, because those "tacos" looked nothing less than insulting.

Oh and yeah... the new commercial... amusing, yet latently homoerotic.

Your #1 Fan,
TJ

TJ,

First off, thanks for being my self-proclaimed "#1 fan." Although to be fair, you really are only competing with Toni and Peace--dawg. But that's beside the point. It's good to have you.

As for the conversation, I'm beginning to think that the "Mexican heritage" response was just a stock answer they have stored up for this exact call. I mean, really...imagine how this could have been true:

"Hey, everyone! Today we're all going to try the crispy tacos! Now before we start, I'd like to ask Lopez, Morales, and of course 'Pablo the Janitor' to come up to the front of the room. Now, as we all eat these tacos, I'd like everyone to make sure that you remember exactly how our 'Mexican heritage' staff members react to the tacos."

"Hey look! They seem to like them!"

And did you notice how he stumbled over the words "Mexican heritage?" How he kind of quieted down for a moment and glossed over them? You know why? I bet it's because he's had Mexicans call about the tacos before and they saw right through that load of crap. And what's with this "Mexican heritage" crap, anyways? What does that mean? Are they Dutch-Irish but they grew up in Tijuana? Or is society just so "politically correct" these days that we can't refer to Mexicans as...you know...Mexicans.

In any case, he didn't seem at all surprised with my hatred of the "tacos," and he handled the call in a very calm and collected manner. This only further adds to my belief that he damn well knew I was right, but that he had to disagree with me for his job's sake. Oh well, let's just hope these things go away.

(cutaia)

(cutaia),

i see your point with the movie, and, you're right, there isn't anything wrong with entertainment. i actually thought a lot about it afterwords, and i realized that even if i don't think she's talented, obviously some people do like the music so at least she's giving people something. but i never said anything about radio music, and so aren't you stereotyping me? and furthermore, i wasn't judging you because you listen to her! i was judging the industry. and maybe i didn't state what i said as an opinion, but it was. in my opinion, these types bands and movies are just there to complacate the populations. to get people to think that this way of life, meaning good looking, rich, and famous, is the only way to be. maybe there isn't anything wrong with being these things, but what this causes is hate. people are killed for money and jealous because someone dresses or looks better. i'm not saying that this doesn't happen with "artsy" music and films, but these label-made bands are there for that sole purpose...well the way i see it. well, that's not true, it's also for money. actually, like always, money first then complacency is a reaction to the action. either way, i do see your point, but it seems like you're the one judging me which means that you probably aren't seeing mine. i don't know.

peace--dawg

Peace--dawg,

You're right...truly prepackaged music is made for one reason and one reason only. Money. One of the ways that bands like N*Sync and The Backstreet Boys get that money, is by getting millions of hours of radio play. I was by no means trying to stereotype you by implying that you hate anything on the radio. That was just my way of referring to what you were talking about.

So, basically, as much as I do enjoy judging people, places, and things...this time, that wasn't the case. Just remember...since I started the e-mail section of this site I've typed over 3,000 words of response. I don't always have the time or energy to plan out my word choices as carefully as I'd like, so try not to take each individual sentence to heart, because the odds of anything I say on this page being taken out of context are probably quite good.

(cutaia)

(cutaia),

i liked how you rocked it with avril....well, i liked everything but avril that is. her band was made by the record label..... i can't prove, but i have no doubt in my mind, that she doesn't even write her own lyrics.

if anything is ruining the art in the world, it's this.....this prescribed sound that we call music, but since music implies talent and creativity(art), i have no idea what to call it. it makes me sick looking at how the corruption of capitalist america is consuming everything around.

makes me fucking sick, but nice rockin' out!

peace--dawg

Peace--dawg,

First off, let me just say that I'm glad you enjoyed the classic.

Secondly, allow me to take this opportunity to tell everyone out there one thing:

Fuck you. I absolutely could not care fucking less what any of you think about anything I do, say, listen to, watch, eat, drink, fuck, drive...anything. If you don't like something I do...then either deal with it, or go to hell.

As for your specific complaints:

Avril Lavigne is ruining the art in this world? I'm sorry, I didn't realize that the existence of this CD had any affect whatsoever on all the other music. I didn't realize that hearing an Avril song was going to make you like whatever "artsy" bands that you listen to any less.

I don't know...I just hate this philosophy. People like you seem to think that every song must be a brilliant artistic masterpiece, or it's not worth existing. Some things exist strictly for entertainment value. It's like in the world of cinema. There is a definite difference between a film...and a movie. A film might have some biting social commentary, or a storyline that's just simply beautiful, whereas a movie is just designed to be fun for 90 minutes. For example: "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" was a film. "The Naked Gun" was a movie. That doesn't make "The Naked Gun" any less worth watching, though.

Avril Lavigne is one of the movies of the music world. I never said she was the most talented person in the world, and I never said her lyrics weren't trite and simple. All I've ever said is that her album is damn fun to listen to. As for whether or not she writes her own lyrics and music...who knows? According to the jacket credits, she does play guitar, and was the sole writer for a third of the songs on the album. The other 8 songs show her as a co-writer. Now, I'm not entirely sure why the CD booklet would lie, because nobody really cares.

Which brings me to the question of, "What exactly makes you think Avril is so horrible?" I mean, she's a girl who writes or co-writes all of her songs, and plays an instrument. In those regards, she's a lot like many "artistic" bands out there. She's not just a pretty girl, or five pretty guys, who sing someone else's lyrics to someone else's music. It seems to me, though, that simply because you don't like her style of music, that you've decided to instantly group her in with that group of people. Which is asinine.

So next time you decide to have an opinion, why not voice it as an opinion? Say, "Avril sucks!" Or "I hate that sexy, sexy bitch." But don't come up to me spouting a bunch of "I hear her on the radio a lot, which means nobody should listen to her" bullshit, because it's just not going to fly.

Jesus...look at what you made me do here Peace--dawg. Now I've got a page-long rant about fucking Avril Lavigne up here. I hate you, and I hope you die.

(cutaia)

Hello Mr. (cutaia),

I have recently become of fan of your fabulous website, and I must say that I am quite impressed. Your movies are very comical, your songs very emotionally and aesthetically pleasing, and your wit is wonderfully sarcastic. (har har har). One question has arisen after spending some time browsing through your e-mails: Who, what, where, and when is this Mr. Snugglesworth going to show itself. I'm quite intrigued, as many of your other fans seem to be as well. It looks like it will be a very adventurous journey for the protagonists as they challenge this adorable little bear in the film. I do have to say, though, that I am somewhat disappointed that I did not see the film up on your website today as you had promised. What could you be doing with your time that distracted you from the completion of this film? I should just say that I look forward to viewing this film, but perhaps you should stop lollygagging and get your act together.

Anxiously yours,
thed evil

Thed Evil,

Well, Thed...

...hey, wait a second. That's not a real name! Something's fishy here. Hmmm...

Thed Evil...Thed Evil...Thed Evil...

Well, that is an anagram for "The Devil," but that just seems too obvious. There has to be something more.

Wait...I've got it! It's also an anagram for:

Hi Ted Lev!

Which obviously means that this is actually a letter from someone named Ted Lev. Wait...that's still too easy. Hmmm...well, the lev is a form of currency, but where?

Of course! Bulgaria! Ah...it all makes sense now.

Well, nice try there Ted from Bulgaria, but you can't hide your identity from me. I know that you're in cahoots with Toni and the rest of these bastards who won't leave me alone about Snugs, and next time I'm in Bulgaria, I'm totally going to hunt you down and punch you in the throat.

(cutaia)

(cutaia)...my only true savior,

hello again...just dropping by to witness the most disappointing session of "rocking out" EVER...I hear you're on an emo kick? and you purchased Dashboard Confessional? Geez...you should have stuck with Bjork...

The reason I am writing you is to point out that today is the 6th...and if you refer down a few emails...you will see that you were "really going to try" to have Snugs up by tonight...oh wait scratch that...its now 35 minutes into the 7th...damn brian...maybe you should put down Avril and whatever other cry-baby music you are listening to and GET ON IT!!!!!

until next time,
xoxox
Toni

ps - my last letter was signed with "aka Rose" because that was my character's name in Snugs...and you call yourself a filmmaker....

Toni,

Well, it saddens me to say that I was somewhat unable to fully rock out last night. I believe I was having some kind of...I don't know...acid reflux, or something. But I assure you, next time Avril comes to town, I'll be in the front row, rockin' out like "out" has never been rocked before. As for the emo...That's right, Toni. I did just buy some emo albums. See, some of us would like to experience more than one kind of music. You do realize that there's more out there than just 80's hair metal, right?

As for Snugs...here's the deal: Over the past week I ended up helping two of my friends with video projects for school. These projects took up a total of about 21 hours. These were hours that could've been spent working on Mr. Snugglesworth. Now, I know what everyone's thinking:

"Why the fuck is that our problem? Pony up the movie, bitch!"

And to most of you out there reading this, I would agree. It's not your problem, and I suck. However, I would like Toni to think back to about 28 hours ago, when I stopped by to hang out, and what happened?

Well, let's not name any names here. Let's just say that a certain someone, got suckered into helping another certain someone's boyfriend with a certain kind of project last night.

Besides...I've come to a decision. Apparently 30mb.com sucks a huge dick, so I don't think I'm going to be putting Mr. Snugglesworth up until I can afford some paid hosting. Hopefully this will be right after the 1st of next year. I'm sorry, but I'd rather have room for 15 smaller updates in the next month, than just having Snugs up. But I swear it's coming!

And by the way...I never called myself a filmmaker.

(cutaia)

12.6.4

Dearest (cutaia),

I have to say that "(cutaia) listens to Avril" is quite possibly the funniest god damn thing I've seen in my entire life. Except for maybe that one time in Vegas, with the three toed sloth, 43 gallons of acetone, and those two Navajo twins. However, I have faith in you.

TJ

~*(cutaia) for President 2008*~

TJ,

Sloths, acetone, and Navajo twins? Wait a second...I don't remember you being there that night. But then, I also remember it being much "sexier" than it was "funny." Of course, maybe you're talking about a different night. Or maybe I've just said too much already.

Glad you enjoyed it,
(cutaia)

12.4.4

(cutaia),

that was the best journal i have seen yet. here's my suggestion.....soak the entire play area with used motor oil sometime during the night, then when the kids are making noise the following day flick a cigarette out there. you would get rid of the noisy brats and prevent any from coming around again because of the lack of playground, and maybe the charred bodies everywhere.....just a suggestion.

peace--dawg

Peace--dawg,

Hey...good idea. Then even after they cleaned up the bodies, I could sit on my porch telling stories about the "great fire of aught four." Good ol' fashioned ghost stories about how the souls of a dozen kids still wander around at night looking for more children to burn. And if you listen closely...you can still hear their screams lingering in the summer wind...

AIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!

Ahh! Frightened myself there for a second. Anyway...I could even get me a squeaky old rocking chair and a corncob pipe.

Yeah...I like your style Peace--dawg. Now all I've got to do is find some used motor oil.

Anybody else have any ideas?

(cutaia)

11.28.4

So, how about this Mr.Snugglesworth? Do you have plans to finish it? The trailer is nice but I'm anxious to see it, in it's entirety

Travis,

Travis,,

What the hell is going on here? Did everyone hold some secret meeting and decide to bombard me with Snugs requests, today? I'm almost waiting for the protestors to show up outside my apartment brandishing signs that read, "Give me Snugs, or give me death!"

I'm working on it! I swear!

...

...alright...you guys win. I'll try and get it up no later than the 6th. No promises, but I'll try my ass off.

(cutaia),

(cutaia) - you bastard,

inquiring minds want to know....

When are you going to put up Mr. Snugglesworth????? huh Brian???? You put up The Clock...and that movie sucks!!!!

damn you...and your sarcasm...

love you.
Toni
(aka Rose)

Toni...Rose?

Alright...whatever.

Here's the deal with Snugs. We actually shot the movie several months ago. Since then, 2 major changes have taken place.

  1. Newguy moved to Seattle.
  2. Kris became a worthless cunt.

This leaves us with a slight dilemma considering that we still needed their voices for a few scenes that were not quite complete. I swear, I really am in the process of looking through things to see how O'Malley and I can fix it without them. I hope to have the final edit completed within a week.

At that point there is still one more problem. I am dangerously close to exceeding my bandwidth with Sitesled. I'm pretty sure that Snugs (being over 24 minutes long) would push it over the top. I'm looking into a temporary solution with 30mb.com, but what I'm really waiting for is for Sitesled to introduce their paid hosting which I'm assured will take place by the end of the year.

I promise I'm trying Toni...er, uh...Rose. Just give me some time. Until then, the first thing I'd start looking forward to is a movie chronicling the prank week I've been putting my boss through. I imagine that will be up by Wednesday.

(tulip)

I mean...

(cutaia)

11.27.4

(cutaia)

Why is it that we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Thank You For Your Time

Regards,
Toni

Toni,

I think the better question is: Why do guys with little dicks and too much money on their hands park their $50,000 luxury cars across two parking spaces at the grocery store?

Getting back to your question, though...

The word "driveway" was invented before the days of urban sprawl. Back then, the word actually represented the road leading up to a house, which was obviously designed to be driven down. Technically, the definition still applies. See, these days we're supposed to park in the garage. Problem is...they're all too filled with sandblasters, rotary saws, and unused bicycles to properly fit a car. In other words, people who park on the driveway are doing so incorrectly.

The word "parkway" on the other hand, only refers to landscaped stretches of road, and I can only assume the word derives it's name from the similarities this gives the road to your average everyday "park."

See, Toni...there are some questions that we just don't ask out of general common courtesy.

It's not that these questions are necessarily difficult to answer. It's just that the answers aren't really all that interesting or satisfying. Knowing the answers to these kinds of questions succeeds only in ruining whatever mystery and wonder the questions themselves once held.

So, thanks a lot Toni! Next time, why don't you just ask me if Santa Claus really exists?

(cutaia)

11.26.4

I give 'A Very Cutaia Thanksgiving' two thumbs up! Now, finish Mr. Snugglesworth you dirty bastard!

Chris

Newguy,

Damnit...this again?

Look, Newguy...I told you...I'm working on it. All this editing magic doesn't just happen on it's own, you know. Every second that I spend working on these movies, is a second not spent sitting on my ass doing nothing. And getting rid of my "ass-sitting" time isn't always an option.

What I need to do is hire a group of mythical beings to do this work for me. You know...little fairy-tale creatures that will sneak in here while I sleep and do it for me. Maybe elves...or leprechauns...or Canadians.

Of course I'm just kidding about the Canadians. Everyone knows they don't exist.

In any case...I think that on this one, I'm going to resort to the tried and true defense of: "I'll do it when I feel like it." Besides...maybe it wouldn't have required so much editing if you weren't such a crappy actor. Think about it...

Sitting on my ass,
(cutaia)

11.24.4

hey,

thanks id have to say that was very sweet of you , i loved so much , that was the best birthday present i got!!!

JeNn

Anytime.

11.22.4

lazy bitch ((cutaia)),

just wondering if you're actually going to put some more stuff on your page.

peace--dawg

Another day, another letter from Peace--dawg.

Listen, Peace--dawg...I don't need your shit. Believe it or not, I have been busy working on the next update, and if all goes well, it'll be up on Wednesday. Until then, I guess you're just going to have to keep busy elsewhere.

My suggestion? Sorabji.com. Not only is Mark Thomas more interesting than me...he's also proven to be much lazier , as there have only been a handful of updates in recent months. However, he's been plugging away on his site for 15 years now, and he is in fact one of my idols in the online journal world.

So...until Wednesday,
(cutaia)

11.18.4

(cutaia),

so you should make "home" buttons on all your pages so that i don't have to click "back" to get to your home page. just a suggestion.

peace--dawg

Peace--dawg,

I see you've calmed down a bit. Actually...that was a little too extreme. You might want to see someone about these mood swings.

As for your suggestion: I'm still in the process of deciding exactly how this site will look and run in its final state. I very well might add something like that. For now, however, I'm trying to focus on content, so I'll be leaving these kinds of design upgrades for when I have a little extra time.

Besides...your back button has been feeling neglected recently. Show it some love.

(cutaia)

well mr. (cutaia),

apparently, you think that with every simple question you are being attacked, when i just wanted to know what the hell you meant. maybe, just maybe, you should drop your ego a little bit and step into the real world, or whatever we want to call this. as for now, i'm sorry you're having a bad day, but don't take it out on your fans.

yours truly,

peace--dawg

Peace--dawg,

Apparently you think that anything I say should be taken even remotely seriously. Having a bad day? I'm actually having a great day. Got up early...picked up the dry cleaning...finished level 3 of "Luigi's Mansion." Yup...I'm more relaxed than I've been in months.

In other words...calm down there, skipper. Hell, I wasn't under the impression that anyone gave a shit about my "opinions" in the first place. No need to get all huffy over this.

Take a breather. Treat yourself to a shiatsu. Realize that 9 times out of 10, I simply write down the first thing that makes me giggle.

Besides...I'd appreciate it if you could point out exactly what "question" you asked in your last letter (Which, by the way, came to me with the subject line: "just wanted to say that you suck"). All I saw was you pointing out my "error" in spelling. If there was some subliminal question, then I apologize for not seeing it. In fact, let me take a guess as to the answer, right now:

Yes...but only on Tuesdays.

(cutaia)

so,

i loved the explaination, but....in your rant about how it wasn't a misspell you put "an" before a consonant. nice!

as always

peace--dawg

Peace--dawg,

Well, aren't we Mr. Smarty-Pants? Looks like you've caught me, Peace--dawg. Except for one thing:

The most commonly accepted pronunciation of the word homage is:     \'ä-mij\     The silent H requires the usage of the indefinite article "an" instead of an "a"...you jackass.

Besides...do you really want to get into a grammatical debate with me? After all...you can't even seem to spell "explanation." Also, do I even need to point out the fact that you seem to have forgotten about capitalization altogether? Half an inch, Peace--dawg. That's how far you would have to move your left pinky in order to avoid looking like an ass.

(cutaia): 2
Peace--dawg: 0

(cutaia)

11.17.4

on your website, did you mean to put [a sight for sour eyes] or [a sight for sore eyes]? and if you meant what you said please explain what sour eyes are.

peace--dawg

Peace--dawg,

What the hell are you trying to imply Peace--dawg? Are you trying to say I would let such an obvious typo slip by, not just once, but twice? And in a title, no less?

Well, I suppose it could happen...but not this time.

The majority of those poems were written during a period of my life when I felt much more jaded than usual. This was, of course, due to (surprise, surprise) several years of Kris treating me like shit. "A sight for sore eyes" is a cliché little phrase that refers to something that might ease someone's pain. Kris certainly didn't do any of that in those days, and she sure as hell isn't doing any of that now. With the exception of only a few...those poems were about her and the ways in which she hurt me. It occurred to me that those poems sort of documented my pain, and as you go through them, they almost become an homage to my giving up on love. They themselves become a sight for sour eyes. Eyes that have seen too much, and just don't care anymore.

Or it's just a clever little play on words. Hell, I don't know. Maybe you should stop asking me questions about titles I came up with back in 1998. It sounded like a good idea back then, and I still think it has a ring to it.

I hope that explanation is good enough for you Peace--dawg. If not...well...go to hell.

(cutaia)

Archive:

[2008 ~ 2007 ~ 2006 ~ 2005 ~ 2004]